• Poems about Sexual Abuse
  
• Poems about Self-Injury

I am scared of you.
No, you are not the one.
You are not the one who hurt me.
But, still I fear you.
You are the one I must confess to.
I am scared of you.
I am scared of him.
I am scared for all of us.
You are the one I must confess to.
Will you hurt me?
Love me?
Turn me out?
Take me in?
Say that you will take care of everything?
Say that you care?
I am scared of you.
Atleast I knew what he would do.
But you, the one I must confess to,
Are a wild card in the deck I hold.
What will you do?
How will you react?
Am I safe confiding in you?
I know that I must.
I know that I should.
I know that this should've
Occurred years before today, but
I am scared for all of us.
I am scared of me.
I am scared of him.
I am sacred of you.
You are the one I must confess to.

I hung off the ledge of the building
Struggling to hold my body
High above the ground
Which loomed far below,
Begging me to fall to my death.
The taste of my blood it longed for,
Ah, what a tasty delight.
I hung on, my arms growing tired and weary
I was shocked and relieved when You took my hands
From the safety and pain of the ledge
And began to pull me up.
Almost safe, You pushed me high above Your head
And dashed me towards the ground.
I managed to grab onto that same ledge,
Again taking my life into my weak hands.
After some time I looked up to see that You had returned.
Your hands gently reached for me and You smiled.
"Don't worry, my dear child, I will keep you safe."
Your voice was tender and soft, and I began to trust You,
Then the image of my death, almost caused bu You,
Flashed in my eyes and I knew I could not trust You.
But there was something about You eyes and voice this time,
I again looked at Your face and You again spoke to me,
"Child, take my hands, I am here for you."
Could it be that You were different?
Had You changed?
Had the first been an imposter?
I stared at You and refused to let go,
Still afraid that You would treat me the same.
"My arms are tired, Sir, and I fear I can not hold on."
"Then allow me to help you, child."
"My arms can't take mych more, and I am fearful of falling,
"But I know I am not strong enough to catch myself again
"If You should drop me or throw me from Your safety."
The eyes remained soft, the hands outstretched,
"Trust in Me and you will be safe."
I shook my head and the tears began to flow,
"Dear Sir, I can not trust You again."
"Then trust Me for the first time."
"But I have, and You failed me.
"In fact, You almost murdered me."
"No, child," He softly explained,
"I did no such thing, they did.
"Now reach out to Me and I will take you into My arms.
"My arms are strong enough to hold you forever."
I again shook my head, "I can't!"
He sighed, and shed a tear for me as my hand began to slip.
"It doesn't have to be this way anymore.
"Let Me into your life. Let Me have your hands!"
"take them if You are so powerful and strong!"
He sighed softly, "Dear child, I can not do
"What I am not asked. Ask Me and I will."
I cried our in agony as I lost my grip.
"Please!"
My small hands slipped from the ledge and
Before I could scream I was folded safely
In his arms, He who saved my life.
"I love you and I always will."
I cried in response, unable to speak.

Can't you see that I am dead?
Can't you see the emptiness in my eyes?
Can't you see that I am no longer fighting?
Can't you see that you've won your sick war?
Why won't you stop stabbing my body?
My heart has long since stopped beating,
And my senses have all shut down,
Yet you keep trying to murder the monster
You see in me
..........You see in yourself
....................You see attacking you.
Take pride in your conquest.
Do you feel like Columbus?
Do you like to pillage and conquer
Foreign and unwelcoming lands?
Do you feel like you have won since
You have raped your opponent down to nothing?
How do you feel now?
Do you recognize that your victory is not one?
Do you realize that you have just
Murdered, pillaged, defeated, and raped
Your own daughter?
Do you see me?
..........Do you know me?
....................Do you see that it is dead, and so are we?
Another generation crossing the same sea?
Take pride in your conquest,
Because it is all you have,
Except for your monster.

I can not feel the word
I can not define it.
Maybe I am even scared of it.
Why?
It reminds me of him.
It is anger.

I can not say the word.
I can not accept it.
Maybe I am even scared of it.
Why?
It reminds me of him.
It is love.

He said he loved me,
But his anger tainted
Any love he may have had.
Why?
It still baffles me.
It is life.

I have lost time.
I have lost touch.
I have lost memory.
Why?
It saves me.
It is damage.

It strangles.
It suffocates.
It murders.
Why?
It continues the crime.
it is silence.

It tears.
It rips.
It must die.
Why?
It helps the silence.
It is fear.

It hurts.
It changes.
It scares.
Why?
It must.
It is the pain of remembering.

It removes filth.
It removes the scars.
It removes the shame.
Why?
It removes him.
It is healing.

My eyes wander around the room
The darkness of the room
Is not what I see.
What I see are the flashes
Of images caught in the web
Of my memory.
The quiet room
Is not what I hear.
What I hear are the words
You once said to me
Or me to you.
Still, the past is in the
Present
And the future is in
Peril.
How much longer can I
Balance the delicate
Alignment between the two worlds?
How much longer can I
Go on, remembering
Reliving?
The flame of fire calls to me,
Come, die with me.
The sharp, sexy edge of the knife
Catches my eye too easily.
The whir of the wind I hear in my car
Whispers for me to join it.
Still, the past in in the
Present
And the future is in
Peril.
To die or not to die,
That is my question.
To take you with me,
Or to continue to hide,
Those are the complications.
To love or to be loved
Are to be ignored.
I have lost all feeling.
I have lost all.
These sentences are short,
As is my concentration,
And my will to continue to fight.
I am tired.
I am worn.
I have died,
Yet somehow lived.
My heart is still beating.
My lungs are still working.
The blood still flows in my veins.
But make no mistake,
I am dead.
The past may be in the
Present
But take note,
The future is in
Peril.
But before I go, let me add
That poetry is the way
That the dead speak
After dying.
I have died. And now I speak.
Will I now find rest?
How about peace?
Justice, I know I will never find.
I will settle for death.
Either way, the past
Will no longer be in the
Present.

You ask me how I am feeling.
I answer, "Ok."
You ask me what I am feeling.
I answer, "Nothing."
I mean to say everything.
I feel you studying me.
Can you tell my thoughts?
...............................I feel him.
...............................I feel the tickling, lovingly.
...............................I feel the raping, brutally.
...............................I feel the beating, horribly.
...............................I feel the soft fur of my
...............................Cat under my palms, softly.
...............................I feel the hardness of the
...............................Sofa I am stting on, unmoving.
...............................I feel the shame, of a 19 year old.
...............................I feel the fears, of a 13 year old.
...............................I feel the tears, of a 4 year old.
...............................I feel him.
..........Do I feel me?
..........No. he took me and left nothing by himself.
..........What do I feel?
...............................Nothing. And everything.
...............................Confused, scared, hurt.
...............................I feel how and what
...............................Everything mixed creates
...............................Emptiness labeled nothingness.
...............................It's more like numbness
...............................Due to sensory overload.
...............................I feel him.
...............................I've lost me.
Can you tell my thoughts?

my mind swirls in confusion
despair
loneliness
spinning..losing hold..
spin
nin
g

memories flash
dreams crash
my world is a hoax
where is the coin slot?
did i forget i am
but a game
of spinning
thoughts
dreams
goals
wishes

where am i?
my world..
oh God..
someone stop the
spinning
the
awful
spin
nin
g

a tornado
in my mind
leveling the houses
people
things
i knew
the wind is awful
the rain too much
the spinning
impossible

my face is wet
the tears are falling
the rain is here
the spinning
continues
if i didn't live
my life
i wouldn't believe it
oh! won't
someone stop the
spin
nin
g

i walk along the beach of my mind
the sand is soft and white and
the lapping water is peaceful and blue
suddenly, and quite rudely
i walk into a clear wall
my hands press against it and i continue to walk
around a box i go,
tracing invisible corners on my beach

inside i see you
my only love
my lost love
why can i still not reach you

i turn the corner and you are gone
now friends sit
laughter and music
tears and hugs
i can not go to them either

another corner, another view
my family sitting in the dark
in the silence
in the cage they have built around themselves
still, i can not find a door in

still i follow,
my hands upon the clear walls
turning corners i can not see
seeing what i can not touch

loved ones
lovers
family
friends
teachers
neighbors
homes
houses
schools
places

my mind circles endlessly

finally a corner leads to a wall i can enter
inside is a table
covered with things
i do not wish to see
they are the instruments
that i have thought to use

to end my life

why is this the room i can enter?
i run towards the beach
only to be trapped in the clear room
with my self destruction

i have passed this test
i have made the score
i have survived these evils
but i am still trapped here
in this room
on this beach
with clear walls holding me in
and you out

time passes
tears fall
and finally i take the knife
from the table
and cut
a door
for
myself
in
the
clear
wall
down the narrow beach i walk
still looking for the other rooms
with my knife in hand
i have more walls to cut

i used to b an innocent child
i used to b a funny little girl
i used to b a bright teenager
i used to b me

i used to believe in love
i used to believe in happiness
i used to believe in peace
i used to believe in life

i used to not b afraid of friends
i used to not b afraid of dreams
i used to not b afraid of touch
i used to not b afraid of living

i used to b afraid of dying
i used to b afraid of sorrow
i used to b afraid to b alone
i used to b afraid of pain

i used to not have to talk about myself in terms of "i used to"
i used to live my life for me
now i live my life to avoid what used to b me
because u have killed who i used to b

Sometimes I sit and wonder
If I am real.
And if I am real,
Are you?
And if we are both real,
Are your feeling for me real?
And if they are,
Are mine?
And if all of that is real,
How am I supposed to react?
For the real feels so unreal
That I can not trust my sense of judgement.
Which would be the greater tragedy,
To feel as though the unreal is real,
Or to feel as if the real is unreal?
Oh my, life is really complicated!
Or, is it?

you came into my life
like a butterfly on the wind
but it was january
and i should have known better
than to believe that
you were real

a figment of my imagination
an imaginary playmate
a blanket for my heart
a butterfly out of season

i tried to hold you anyway
tried to keep you warm
and safe from the january
cold and bitterness
but i failed
and became all alone

u died in my hands
burnt your pattern deep
in my palms
and then the pattern too
disappeared
leaving me with nothing

a figment of my imagination
an imaginary playmate
a blanket for my heart
a butterfly out of season

I toss and turn, reaching out in the dark for you, trying to find safety.
I scream and I cry. I try to get free from the nightmare that traps me.
Places I have left, that have not left me.
People I'll never forget yet never want to remember.
During the day the nightmare follows me.
I get no peace for I know that it will return with the night.

I pass by two little girls playing in a tree.
One looks at the other and asks,
"Do you know a good way to down from here?"
The other little girl looks at her feet
As she swings them from her high branch
And answers her friend with a smile,
"No, I thought maybe you did."

Safe.
What does it mean?
Does it really exist?
Or is it like Santa
And the Tooth Fairy?
I have never been safe.
I have never felt safe.
I wonder if I would even know
What safe felt like
If it snuck up behind me
And hit me in the head.
But then again,
It wouldn't be safe
If it did that.
So how am I ever going to know
What safe is,
And if I am safe?

Sitting
staring
watching
waiting
it doesn't move
it doesn't change
yet i keep on
sitting
staring
watching
waiting
for it to move
for it to change
but it doesn't
so i sit
an stare
and watch
and wait
for something
to happen
to this wall.

I hear you climb the stairs
One, Two, Three,
You have eleven left to go.
I smell you
Brute, Edge,Cigarettes,
You have eleven left to go.
I feel my heart race
Thump, Thump, Thump,
You have eleven left to go.
I feel my muscles tighten
As you grab the doornob
To my room. You come to my
Bedside and you slide under
The covers, unaware of me.
I silently say my age.
I am seven.
I have eleven left to go
Before I can leave this house
Before I can leave you behind
Before I can run away forever.
You lay on top of me and begin
Thrust, Thrust, Thrust.
You won't stop until I
Cum, Cum, Cum. I hate
You, You, You.
I want to
Die, Die, Die.
Finally I
I, I, I,
Cum.

You leave the room
You shut the door
You shut me in.
I hear you descend the stairs
One, Two, Three,
You have eleven left to go.
Four, Five, Six,
You have eight left to go.
Ten, Eleven, Twelve,
You have two left to go.
Thirteen, Fourteen. Silence,
I have eleven years to go.
You will be back before I
Go, Go, Go.
Until then, I will lay here and try to
Die, Die, Die.
My heart is racing
So, So, So.
Maybe it'll just
Just, Just, Just,
Explode.

The pain inside swells
Suffocating
Killing
Tearing us apart
I can not take it
No one can
We can not afford
To shut down
So we take a few minutes
And we go somewhere quiet
We slip out the razor
And we cut out the pain
We hold our breath
We watch the blood
We make sure our clothes
Stay clean and cover the wound
Then we clean the wound
And step outside again
As if nothing happened
As if all is well
Once again

They say that our life is crazy
That so much happened that
Should not have.
They say we live a life that is
On the edge of reality.
On the edge of sanity.
On the edge of horror.
On the edge of science-fiction.
If they could see our skin
They would see the scars
That we have made ourselves
In order to survive this life
And the pain and the memories
They would know
That we live life
On the edge
Of a razor.

No one sees the pain.
No one sees the fear.
No one sees the struggle to hold on.
No one sees that we are trapped.
No one sees the razors.
No one sees the hiding place.
No one sees us sneak off.
No one sees us steralize the blade.
No one sees us pick where to cut.
No one sees us hold our breath
No one sees us tearlessly cut
No one sees us slowly destroy ourselves.
No one sees us bleed.
No one sees us bandage the wound.
No one sees us hate ourselves.
No one sees us beat ourselves up.
No one sees the scars.
No one sees the words engraved in skin.
No one sees the pain.
No one sees the truth.
All they see is the smile
That covers it all.
That is all they want to see.
That is all they can see because
No one sees our world.

its a permanent mark
something that will always be ours
a way to always know that the body is ours
its a way to hurt
a cutting session that people see
and don't freak out about
its much prettier than slash marks
a way to be in control
a billboard for the way we feel
colorful, pretty, permanent
a symbol for balance and energy
we didn't all want it
only one of us was there when we got it
but we all have it now
and we all like it
its on our wrist
a braclet we can never remove
its a tattoo

I can't seem to feel anything
I don't even feel this body
Should I be worried?
I know that I am supposed to feel
But I can't
I don't
So I cut
I still don't feel
Maybe I am not human
Maybe I am just like my abusers
I don't feel
I just bleed
No matter how deep I go
No matter how many times I try
My God, I have lost everything
Even the simplest feeling
Of pain.