MPD/DID - Memoirs: Confrontation

Confrontation: Ending the Relationship with my Father

Many survivors struggle with the choice of whether to confront their perpetrators, especially when it is one of their parents. Confrontation offers a chance to speak your truth and have the perpetrator answer for their actions. Usually, the perpetrator will deny the abuse accusations. Therefore, it is important that the survivor prepares for that and does not expect to be validated nor supported by the perpetrator.

The act of confronting a perpetrator must be done for the goal of improving mental health by letting the truth be spoken. The outcome of how the perpetrator may respond should not be part of the reasons the survivor chooses to confront them. Very rarely will a perpetrator admit their wrongdoing. Even more rare will a perpetrator admit their wrongdoing, validate the damage it has done to their victim, and ask for forgiveness.

I came to the tough decision that I had to confront my father and end our relationship. It was not an easy decision, nor was it one that I made quickly.

A therapist in an intensive therapy program helped me admit that the longer I played “Happy Family” and ignored the past, the more I was opening myself up to increased depression and suicide risk. He also helped me realize that until I stopped fearing my father, I would never progress through recovery. Despite knowing this, I continued to feel too fearful of my father to end our relationship. I had nightmares of him appearing without warning and trying to take my life. I checked parking lots for his car, even though he didn’t live in the same state. He still seemed too powerful and too dangerous.

During a visit in my sophmore year at college, my father informed me that his wife’s eldest daughter, her husband, and their two small children had moved into my stepmother’s house due to severe financial difficulty. I was immediately alarmed. My father had often commened at how much the two children reminded him of me and my brother. They were also very young in age (4 & 6) and prime targets for sexual abuse. During that same visit he showed me pictures he had taken at a recent visit to my brother’s home. Several of the pictures were of my brother’s young son while he was taking a bath. I was disturbed by the overwhelming number of nude pictures he had of his grandson. I know it’s normal for parents to sometimes take bath pictures of very small children, but I don’t think it’s normal for a grandparent to take half a roll of these type of pictures.

I made the decision that I had to tell my stepmother about the past abuse in order for her to keep her grandchildren safe from my father. I spent a few months agonizing over the decision and trying to prepare. I came to the conclusion that there was nothing he could do to me that would be more painful than me finding out later that he had abused those children. I also came to the conclusion that I wasn’t safe for me to continue to be around him at all and that our relationship would have to end.

It may sound strange that it is difficult to end an abusive relationship. But when that relationship is with a parent, you are not only ending a bad relationship, you are ending the hope that the relationship will ever be what it should have been. I was saying goodbye to the hope that he would ever change, that he would ever think I was good enough, that I would ever measure up to his expectations, and I was saying goodbye to him ever acknowleding the abuse. I wasn’t only saying goodbye to my father, I was saying goodbye to ever having a loving, supportive, safe father.

I know other survivors who have chosen to confront and to fight to maintain the relationship. I know other survivors who have chosen to not confront in order to maintain the peace in the family and the relationship they have with other members of their family. I don’t believe that there is one right answer, or one answer that is most appropriate for recovery. It is a personal decision that has to be made on the facts of the past relationship, the past abuse, and the current relationship challenges.

I have never regretted confronting my father and his wife. I have never regretted ending our relationship. I have at times wondered if I did the right thing in disappearing from his family (my aunts, uncles, cousins). I didn’t want him to argue that I was just making stuff up to destroy his family, so I have had no contact with his family. I think about them on holidays and when milestones happen that I wish they could see (such as college graduation and my wedding). I don’t know what he has told them to explain my absence. I don’t know if they knew about any of the abuse. I don’t know if they know that I’m even still alive.

The confrontation opened up long buried parts of myself, including more memories. As we began to feel safe, and trusted that he was totally gone from our life, it made it safe to remember and feel much more. Moving away from him opened the door to healing and being aware of our internal world; confronting him blew the doors off the hinges so no one had to fear being locked away in hiding ever again.

Here is a post to a newsgroup that I wrote following the confrontation. I have fixed a few typos, but everything else is the same as I wrote it back then.

Newsgroups: alt.sexual.abuse.recovery
Subject: Confrontation HISTORY!
Date: 17 Oct 1995 18:34:19 -0400

*hugs to all that will take em, balloons and bubbles and chocolate and whatever else...just thanks to all of you for supporting me while preparing for my confrontation*

Ok, I am back finally, the school closed the lab for a few days due to a break. But I am ok and alive and here to tell you how the confrontation with my perp/father went. If you want to read it, go ahead, don't think it is going to be a spoiler needed post...but we'll see...here goes!

Ok...Friday the 13th..the day the confrontation was supposed to happen. Larry, my perp, and his wife were supposed to come into town this afternoon to meet me. I wanted to confront them then, just to get it over with. But something happened with step-mom's work and they couldn't get out of town until late, so we didn't see each other till Saturday. But all Friday I was on edge and getting more and more nervous. Went to see Apollo 13 at the dollar theater with my mom, which was a very fitting movie for how my weekend went ;) hehehe

Saturday...Larry and stepmom wake me up around noon (I couldn't sleep all night and was exhausted even that late!) We walked around the historical district that my school is on, then drove around the town a bit because stepmom had never seen it. Things were going well between her and I and I came to the realization that I needed to talk to her first, alone, to tell her that I loved her and that she was more of a parent to me than my father was. Also, that I loved her family dearly and that was why I was doing this..for her and her grandkids...

We went to dinner and it just wasn't right. If I confronted there, I didn't want to have to get back in THEIR car to get back to the campus. SO I let them take me to campus and called it a night. Then I got my mom and her car and drove to the hotel to surprise them..what a surprise ;) I went to the hotel and my mom stayed outside so she could smoke. I told her that I wanted to do it alone and that they would go off the deep end immediately if they saw her (lots of animosity from dad and stepmom towards my mom..lots of lies my dad has been feeding stepmom too...but oh well...those are falling out o place ;) )

Knocked on the door and my dad looked shocked, but calm. I asked him if I could talk to stepmom and he understood that meant alone and left the room, handing me the remote CONTROL (heheh) to the tv as he left. I turned off the tv and talked to her. Told her I loved her and all that stuff I said earlier and then told her that my father had abused my brother, my mom, and me..emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually. She was shocked, stunned..didn't understand how he was such a different person with her...we talked for what seemed like 10 or 15 minutes, and then Larry called up to ask if he could come back into the room. She asked me if it was ok, I said yes.

He came in and stepmom was going to leave us alone, but returned about 3 minutes later (before I had gotten the courage to talk yet to him) and said she had no where to go and was going to stay there if that was ok with me.

So, I told my dad that I loved him and his family and stepmom and stepfamily and that they knew I had been in counseling and on antidepressants. Then I told him that I had tried to commit suicide in March of this year and that I was here for that reason...to tell stepmom about my abusive childhood because I was scared that he was going to hurt on of the kids.

Something really strange..he reached over and hugged me...I pulled away, not wanting him near me...not understanding (and still not) why he hugged me. Strangling, now that I would have understood...*grin* Then he asked me what I meant and what was going on...so I told him that I was scared that he was going to sexually abuse the grandkids that were now living with him in his house...he went ballistic. Got on the FMS thinggy and ran in circles. What makes you say/think this, where did these so called memories (his wording) come from..that type of shit.

Then he tried to argue about stuff that had to do with the divorce and I pulled him back on track, stating that had nothing to do with what I was saying. He kept trying to put words in my mouth, and I fought *smile* He asked (atleast 40 times) what can I do to make you think that I never hurt you? HELLO?????!?!??! yes, that was what he asked. I laughed and shot back that there wasn't anything he could do and I sure as hell wasn't going to make a hole for him to crawl his sorry ass out of...ops...sorry, still alittle anger, but good strong anger, coming out :))))) He wanted to know who my therapists were and what they did to me...*sigh*yawn* All of this I expected ;)

I got to say alot, and I got to be angry and it was WONDERFUL! I didn't even care that he fought me...stepmom believed me and that made it soo much better than I ever expected! But it felt great to stand up to him. I used to always be scared to look at him in the eyes because he had too much power over me then...that night, once I got going, I had the power and I could look him in the eyes and HE looked away!

He tried to fight in his manipulating way..at one point he asked me if anyone else ever abused me and I said yes. He immediately wanted to know the details and I glared at him and said some remark that when he wasn't the one in question he had no problem believing my memories *gives herself 2 points for that one* He kept picking and I refused to discuss it because I knew he was trying to break me down and I refused. I told him flatly that I refused to discuss that and that it had nothing to do with what we were talking about. That in no way, shape, or form did his face get on someone else's abuse memories I had.

He started back in on some other shit and I finally looked at stepmom and told her I loved her and hoped she would be ok and watch the kids and take care of herself. Then I left the room without saying another word to him.

He chased me down the hallway and got into the elevator with me, saying he wanted to talk to me and my mom. I refused to say anything else to him but said ok anyway. We went to the lobby of the hotel and my mom looked soo frazzled. He told her that he wanted to do something to prove that he was innocent, that he would even take a polygraph (when he asked me if I wanted him to take one I laughed and told him that he was such a smooth liar that he could mess up a polygraph to say/do whatever he wanted it to do). My mom firmly said that he needed to discuss that with me and not her. Then he sighed and played self-pity looks on his face and said he'd call her in a week when things were settled. I looked right into his eyes and firmly *yeah!!!!* said, "Why don't you just do it now?" So he tried to get my mom to think I was lying and she said that all he ever did was lie to her and that I never lied to her so there was no way he would get her not to trust me over him...and that she had watched me go through the hell of remembering and coping and dealing and would never not believe what she saw. He went back to arguing with me and my lying self (although he never used lie...like when I asked him if he would admit to being physically abusive to my family, especially my brother, he said that he was a firm disciplinarian..such a nice wording for beating the crap out of your kids with a belt..). I finally stood up and said "I am leaving" and L E F T!

My mom told me once we were in the car that she was about to get the hotel security to come to the room. I asked her why. Then she told me how long I was up there...what I estimated to be a grueling hour turned out to be ****3**** hours!!!!!!!! Glad it didn't seem that long to me :)

But it is OVER and I am soo glad. I am not scared of him at all..the first time ever in my life. It is wonderful! He called me up and left nasty phone messages today..and I am not scared at all. I used to think that he would kill me if I ever went through with the confrontation..now I see that he is just barking loudly, chasing his own tail....and not me :) I love it. I have never felt so in control and so strong and so wonderful.

I went out on the next day and bought a car and got a good job!!! hehe Life is wonderful, and now he is the one scared of me :))))))))

Thank you all for your support and emails and concerns. You were alll with me in that lil room..even though it was one hell of a fire hazard ;) I had jewelry on from friends and my SO and my mom and my dead grandmom and greatgrandmom..alllll of us were there to face him and tell him enough is enough. Thank you :) I couldn't have done it without you all.

Selah
--
"Dont b concerned,it will not harm u,it is only me pursuing somthng across
my dreams w/nets of wondr. I chase the bright elusive butrfly of love."