MPD/DID - Support: Living with MPD

Living With MPD

What is living with MPD like? So what does it mean to have MPD?

Our answers will be very different than other Multiples... or, it might be very similiar... it just depends. So, what we say here doesn't mean it's the gospel truth for all Multiples!

When we were younger, we knew we had parts and voices in our head. We knew that the differences were like different people, except we were all together. I think we thought it was pretty much normal for awhile.

We live in a Multiple society. What I mean by this is that people play roles and people change who they are on a daily basis. You go from person, to employee, to spouse, to child... your voice and mannerisms may change depending who is on the phone with you. You yell at your child when they do something wrong, but you wouldn't dare yell at your boss when he does something wrong.

As a Multiple, and as a naive child, these roles that I saw taking place in the adults around me seemed to be the same thing that was in my head. I couldn't know that the adults were playing these roles, not changing people inside.

Growing up, you have a lot of time to talk to peers. When I hit the gossip age, I realized the difference between role playing and what was going on internally. It was very disturbing. It was about the same time that the alters inside of me decided to go into hiding. I tried my best to just forget that I had ever questioned my sanity and I went on living my life as a "singleton".

Alters resurface for many different reasons. Some come back to the forefront when stress mounts. Others disappear when a person disappears from your life and then come back when that person returns. Some just get bored, or wake up from their sleep state and they don't really know that they've been gone! Most of our alters started to resurface because they felt safe. We finally reached a time in our life that they trusted that the abuse was over.

So, what does that mean?

Imagine going to the mall and loving every single store. Toy store to shoe store, clothing to perfume, even those clothing stores that sell stuff you always thought was ugy, overpriced, and too small to fit your cat. Every store seemed to have a different audience, internally. The adults would shop for the stuff we needed for work. Littles would demand to stop in toy stores to get something of their own. Then the teens would want to look at music stores or weird clothing stores just because they could pick out stuff that would make the bigs cringe.

Imagine working hard all day to make money to pay bills. Then later discovering that your checing account has been squandered on toys, music CD's, and other stuff that you don't remember needing, wanting, or buying. Or, showing up to work one day with purple or blue fingernail polish on when you hardly ever put polish (much less colored polish!) on your nails.

Imagine housework that builds and builds. You are disgusted that you've let your room get so messy. Yet every time you clean it, it gets dirty immediately. Or, you go to clean, only to be hit by a huge panic attack. Suddenly your messy room seem safe to you. You find yourself saying saying that the mess is cozy, or offers security. Our littles love a messy room. Some feel it's home. Others like it because no one can sneak into the room when we're asleep and not die when they trip over everything.

Living with MPD successfully boils down to three major words:

* COOPERATION
* COMMUNICATION
* COMPROMISE

I can't stress those words enough.

We have to set ground rules in order to make it through the day. Littles hate work (hey, who doesn't?) and they love to make it difficult for the rest of us to get to work. So, we agreed to compromise. We go to work, and they get to have some time each night to play on the computer or read or videogames... whatever they want to do. We give them incentives, like they get a new toy a month if they don't miss any work (unless we are really, truely ill).

We wouldn't be able to know how to compromise if the litles hadn't told us what was wrong. We needed to be able to communicate in order to work on a solution. And the littles would not have compromised if they hadn't trusted us. That's where cooperation comes into play. If you're going to offer something up as a compromise, you better make sure you meet your end of the bargin. Not only that, but sometimes you need to be the one who settles, instead of the one who wins. Good example, let the littles pick a movie every now and then. They shouldn't always have to be bribed into letting the bigs see movies that the bigs want to see.

Having internal kids is alot like having external kids. They want your time, they want to play, they like toys and stuffies. They like ice cream! They are expensive. They need a lot of love and patience. They bring you great joy. Unlike external kids, you can't take a vacation without them. They don't go to their room when they throw a tantrum and you can't take anymore. You can't be assurred that they are not going to walk in on a private moment between you and your significant other.

Living with MPD doesn't have to be a jail sentance. Sometimes it does feel that way. There are times that I think my abusers got off easy. That they committed a crime and I'm doing the time. There are days where the internal noise is so incredibly loud that I want to find a way to run away from my body and the people in it.

There are also joys to be had. I can't put into words the pride I feel when I see the littles do art. Or, the safety of knowing that there are protectors inside. I can't express the awe I have when I am facing what seems to be an impossible task, and then find that someone else has taken care of it for us, usually with ease and grace I never could have mustered.