So, you're wondering about how a Multiple and/or Survivor can help deal with sex as an adult? Well, here's some tips and thoughts that have helped us through our sexual healing.|
I guess the most important thing we can say is "Take it slow..." You have nothing to prove, no reason to jump in and have sex until you are ready and comfortable. There is nothing wrong with cuddling, touching, kissing, etc.. to slowly and safely work your way to more involved/intimate sexual contact.
Also, you MUST have strong communication inside. Talk, write letters, do what ever it takes to let everyone inside know that this is a consentual relationship. This is not r*pe. This is not a perp. And if they feel uncomfortable doing certain things, they don't have to do them. This is about choice, freedom, healing, and consenting adults.
Also, talk to your SO about what to do when/if flashbacks occur. Warn your SO what you think your system might do in that situation. Do you cry? Stop talking? Stop moving? What signs can they look for? Also, talk about what they should do.. like hold you, back off, turn on the lights, give you a blanket. One of the things that might also help is having a scented candle or potpourri nearby.. so when flashbacks begin you can sniff the scent and try to bring some other sensation to your mind... something other than the flashback.
With communication, you can't go wrong. If flashbacks occur, or you have to move very slowly, don't be hard on yourself. You haven't failed. You are not broken.
|Tips for Multiples and/or Survivors:|
|Tips for Significant Others:|
|More on Dealing with Littles:|
Littles and sex can be a difficult combination... it really depends on a lot of variables. Just because someone is a "little" doesn't mean they are as young/naive/protected as some of the other littles. So taking into account their emotional/mental age can be useful. |
Some other things to consider:
1. What is their motivation: Why do the lils want be there? Are they curious and just want to see what's going on? (Like normal peeking in on your parents kind of thing). Do they think being there during sex is a way to spend more time with the SO, who they may feel like they aren't having enough one-on-one time with? Are they experimenting with boundaries and body issues with a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" mentality (which can be very age appropriate, and can easily be misunderstood as thinking they want to be sexually active)?
2. What are their emotions: If they are coming out during intimate moments and then getting triggered, they need to learn better ways of protecting themselves and in understanding they don't have to interrupt the body when others are being intimate since it's not a scary thing for those other folks.
3. Where are they developmentally: If they are coming out because they are growing up and want to learn about sex and intimacy then some ground rules can be helpful. First, people inside need to agree that it's safe for a particular little to start experimenting with sexual issues (based on age, mental, emotional, motivational factors). Then they need to make sure that the SO is ok with it too. For some SO's, lil's during intimate moments can make them feel like they are abusing a child, and that's not cool.
Once the system and the SO have agreed beforehand that it's okay to proceed, then I think it's worth thinking about how normal kids are supposed to learn about sex with abuse isn't involved. They start with the simple stuff, holding hands, kissing, snuggling, and then later work up into touching, being naked, and last is the act of sex. Most kids don't jump from first kiss to first sex in one night. In healthy situations this is a process that should probably take a few weeks to allow emotions to be processed so if at any time the lil in question feels like they are satisfied at a certain level and don't wish to go further they have the ability to say that without feeling guilty or pressured to go further. It also helps everyone deal with anything triggery that comes up. It can also be helpful to have another alter willing to be out or nearby while the little is out incase the little needs to stop being there but has a difficult time stopping the events or going back inside... kinda like a chaperone.
It's important for all of the insiders to understand that sex should be a safe, consensual event, and that they all have the choice if to be there or not. They also need to know that they can choose to not be sexual and there's nothing wrong with them. Part of healing from abuse is making your own boundaries. Every human, and every insider will have their own preferred sex drive level... and for some folks that's zero. That doesn't mean they are broken or that they have to fight through it to somehow reach a higher level of healing. No one will be mad if they decide sex isn't something they enjoy, or decide that they are just as happy snuggling in front of the tv!
Remember: The healthiest sex drive between a couple is a well-matched drive... having one partner who is interested once a year matched with a SO who would like sex three times a day is going to result in conflicts!